Deep Thoughts...by Benzie

People wish to be settled: only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Vlad does me bad. Who would have thought that it would have been almost a whole handle of the cheapest booze money will buy to do what I did. I guess I have been on a collision course with the serious breakdown that I was working toward. I am officially in a very interesting place in my life with a couple of intersections that seem to be difficult to walk to either path. The paths are not difficult to walk down, as a matter of fact they are all great directions to take with my life and I think that is the problem, they are all that great I can't make the decision. I think I will start with talking about the easier things then work my way down to the more difficult questions I have needed to answer.

Well I have had this sitting here in front of me for a few days, and the decisions don't seem to have any variation in difficulty anymore. They all suck ass. So I am going to try to talk about all the choices I am looking at currently.

Lets start with the realm of academia. I honestly don't know where I am going with this anymore. I have this desire to teach, but then again I feel as if the things I want to teach would be something that I don't know if I am going to be able to do that for the next however many years I am around in the working world. Recently I have been looking in the realm of ethics, I am not sure why but this seems to be a career that I could do for an extended period of time. I think this makes my desire to go to Georgetown for Bioethics seem to make more and more sense. I think this would be something that would not be monotonous and would keep me passionate about the work everyday. I am only going to go into these two jobs right now because I don't think I have the brain power right now to even look at the other obvious choice I have on my plate with law school because that is such an interesting thing for me...but enough of that. The ethics field would leave me I think with a feeling of emptiness of the ability to study the philosophy that I have essentially fallen in love with recently. But the teaching may keep me complacent from teaching the same thing every semester. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too, I understand that I am unable to have all these things, maybe someday I will be able to have them at the same time and I hope that day will be here, but for some reason I am unable to see this happening so I am having myself a very difficult time dealing with this whole future thing.

The next topic is a little more difficult for me to talk about here but I am going to do my best. Everything that I have been doing in my life, I feel is driving me closer and closer to an eventual life of solitary. Don't get me wrong, I will always have my friends and they mean the world to me and I wouldn't be where I am today without the inspiration they have given me to get my life to where it is, I am talking about my family that I want down the line. I am not sure what I want, but this is an issue that has become unique because I feel as if I am able to engross myself into my work in philosophy whatever that may be from the above paragraph and be perfectly fine. Then there are days that I sit and know that I need someone to go home to. I can't help it, I am a social person who needs that personal connection that I feel I will never find because of how I seem to bury myself in my work. I don't feel I have that ability to make the kind of connection necessary for the kind of relationship I desire. Maybe I just haven't found the person who "gets me" and I hope that is the case but up to this point I have been unable to have anything develop in that manner.

I guess I really have one more thing that has been on my mind that has been puzzling me, and that is the topic of religion. I don't really know what is going on with this so I really don't have much to talk about. I am a proclaimed Catholic, but I have been having trouble with the ideas the church have, causing me to question the faith as a whole. I don't know what will become of this all, so I think I am just going to leave it at this.

I guess I am done for now, this blog has taken me a long, long time to form because of how difficult the ideas are for me to even look at, much less to answer, although I have not answered any of them here in my honest opinion. Maybe I will come back soon to read this over and comment on it myself in the near future.

Until we meet again
-Benz